Writing+more+succintly

Many students will write the following type of sentence and see nothing wrong with it.

//"The character of Bob really does not like Emily. He says, 'I do not like you Emily', making it clear how he feels about her."//

A more sophisticated response would be,

//"Bob expresses his feeling for Emily quite succinctly in 'I do not like you Emily' "//

Look closely at the two statements and take note of what is removed as uncessary or redundant. Is the meaning of the sentence unchanged? If so, how has it changed? Or If there is a change, is it better or worse?

It is possible, with careful use of language, to say a good deal more with fewer words. Here is an example of a film review of the film "Spanish for White"

//"It is an important time in the film when Maria finally makes it clear she is not happy with her relationship with Jose. 'Jose, it is just not good enough. We are not suited. It's over.' She clearly explains that this relationship has not been enough for her needs as she discovers her new talent as a singer. 'I see my future as a star on Broadway and you are not there.' "// 72 words

//"L'Orange's technique of limiting direct speech of her characters to the most pithy, reaches real poignancy in Maria's delusions of theatrical stardom. 'I see my future as a star on Broadway, and you are not there.' reduces her fifteen year marriage to Jose to a simple, 'It's over'. His fidelity to her, despite her scandalous affair with the dubious Manuel O'Flaherty and the birth of the blonde, Bianca, was 'not good enough' "// 72 words

In this second example, consider how much more is said about the film, its creation and the impact on the viewer than in the first. The quotations are used far more effectively. What new insights have been included?

Information and Insights. Insights are the arguments, observations and reflections on the film or text made by the writer of the essay. Information is the evidence and relating of detail without comment. It comes from the author and is reported without further comment by the writer of the essay. In the first example we were given quite a few pieces of "information" but very few "insights". Look at the second example and consider how the information is still present but referred to in passing on the way to making the insightful statement. By doing so the information is incorporated not separated from the insight. It reduced the number of words required to deliver the information and the insight and gave the essay writer opportunity to add further insight and information. Writing succinctly is often seen by students as a problem. They have to write 750 words and by writing succinctly they feel they will never reach the word limit. What the teacher is really hoping for is 750 words of real insight and opinion, well supported by "information" or evidence.

An activity.

Rewrite this following passage more effectively by removing and reshaping words to improve meaning and effectiveness.

//"The novel __Pride and Prejudice__, by the female author, Jane Austen is about two things. They are pride and prejudice. Her first title had been __First Impressions__, but __Pride and Prejudice__ works better because they are really two important themes in the novel and because the title is also an alliteration on the letter 'p' which is really catchy."//

Repeat the activity on this quite different piece of writing.

//"The writer uses a rhetorical question to ask how the reader might really feel about gays and lesbians marching down the street in front of small children. 'How would you feel if your children were down the street and saw gays and lesbians walking passed?' By doing this, the writer is trying to persuade his audience by asking them a question that he believes he knows the answer to and he expects them to answer the same way. He isn't really asking anyone to answer the question at all. He assumes everyone will agree with his question and that is why it is persuasive. Rhetorical questions are persuasive."//